Always Bring a Banana (Doctor) to a Party
by OwlinAMinor
Summary: It's basically Doctor Who, only they're all fruit. Christmas present for my friend Niko. Amy/Rory, 11/River, and LOTS OF CRACK.


**Title: Always Bring a (Doctor) Banana to a Party**

**Pairings: Amy/Rory, 11/River**

**Genre: CRAAACKKKK**

**Summary: It's basically Doctor Who, only they're all fruit. Christmas present for my friend Niko.**

**Length: oneshot**

**Dissing of the Claims: Doctor Who isn't mine. Also fruits are not mine. And neither is that one song I referenced in that one place ...**

**A/N: The third Christmas present fanfic I'm posting. (I wrote all of my friends these fanfics for Christmas because I'm broke.) ALSO MY LITTLE SISTER HELPED ME COME UP WITH THE PLOT FOR THIS ONE, BECAUSE SHE'S COOL LIKE THAT. Enjoy, and try not to be too confused...**

* * *

Once upon a time, a banana walked into a bar.

He then promptly said, "OW!" and fell flat on his face, because that bar had been _heavy._ The banana (who was called the Doctor, for some strange, unknown reason) then decided that to cover up the bruise he'd just created on his head, it might be a good idea to find a hat of some sort to wear. Luckily for him, there was a banana-sized fez near the bar. He put it on, to the great amusement of his friends, Amy the Apple Who Waited and Rory the Roman Kumquat. (Amy and Rory were married, though nobody was particularly sure how that worked, because they were an apple and a kumquat. And their daughter was a kiwi. It's a strange universe.)

Amy and Rory wanted the Doctor to take the fez off, but he wouldn't, partially because it was now stuck to his banana-y head. Plus, as he said, it was cool, and went with his bowtie, which was also cool. They didn't particularly believe him, but he did what he wanted, because he was just that sort of banana.

The three friends had landed in that kitchen (yes, you guessed right, the bar was in a kitchen) in the Doctor's TARDIS, or Tomato And Raspberry Driving In Squash, which was a giant coconut that traveled in space and time and was bigger on the inside. They were time-travelers, the Doctor in particular, who was the last of a race of great and terrible bananas who had been locked in an endless war with their mortal enemies, the grapes.

_Anyway_, the Doctor and his companions set out to examine the kitchen, because the Doctor had gotten a message on his psychic banana peel that somebody in that kitchen wanted their help. Examination was difficult and took about a week, in fruit time, because it's pretty hard to climb up onto counters and into cabinets and such when you're a banana or an apple or a kumquat. They were determined fruits, though, that trio, so they diligently searched every inch of the kitchen.

And their search turned up … nothing.

"Doctor, why does this always happen?" Amy complained. "We always turn up somewhere, because you say something important is going to happen, and then you spend forever searching and nothing actually does happen!"

"Hey, that's not true!" the Doctor shot back. "Something important happened! I got this cool fez!"

Amy rolled her eyes – or, she would have, if apples could do that. "That's not important. That just makes you even less stylish than you already are."

"I'll have you know I am the most stylish banana living," he said, indignant.

"Doctor, you're the _only_ banana living."

"So? Rory, help me out here!"

But Rory the Roman Kumquat was nowhere to be seen.

And then Amy started to get pissed – so pissed, she was practically squirting juice out of her core. "You lost him again!" she screeched. "Why don't you keep a closer eye on him?"

"Why is keeping an eye on _your_ husband _my_ job?!" the Doctor wanted to know.

"You took him with us!"

"Because you asked me to!"

"Well, you … you …"

"OI, STOP ARGUING LIKE A COUPLE OF FIVE YEAR OLDS AND LOOK UP!" someone shouted.

They looked up – because when you hear a strange voice, obeying it is always the best course of action – and found that that someone was actually Rory, and he was trapped on a cutting board specially designed for the cutting of kumquats, about to be chopped up by the Master.

Yes, that kitchen was the Master's kitchen.

(The Master, for those of you unaware, was this really evil person who had used to be a banana, like the Doctor, but he'd grown tired of his inconvenient lack of limbs and traded his noble banana body in for a more useful human one.)

The Doctor, of course, panicked. He started shouting at the Master, telling him all about what he'd had for dinner the previous Friday, because that would definitely get Rory released. As it didn't work, he then tried reciting some bad poetry, then the periodic table, then conjugations of Latin verbs, then the Emancipation Proclamation. (That last one really made the Master mad, for some reason.)

Amy was the calm one, which the Doctor thought was odd, as it _was_ her husband about to be chopped into tiny pieces.

"Well, it'll be okay," she said, when he pointed this out. "He'll come back."

"What?" the Doctor asked.

"He always comes back."

"That's true, Rory always comes back, but that didn't mean he will this time! What if this time is the time he doesn't come back?"

That did absolutely nothing to help Amy's calm. Actually, it reversed it, and she started screaming. Well, nobody wants to hear an apple scream (trust me, it isn't pleasant – orange's screams aren't so bad, though, depending on the context) so the Doctor got to work on a halfway decent plan. (And by halfway decent, I mean really bad, with a one-in-a-million chance of working.)

But, since the Doctor was the Doctor, the plan worked perfectly.

The plan was this: the Doctor took off his clothes.

I know what you're thinking: how could that ever help anybody, at all?

Well, it did.

Because the Doctor's clothes were actually just his peel, and everyone knows that banana peels are the number one cause of tripping in the galaxy.

So the Doctor stripped, and placed his peel in a strategic location underneath where the Master would next step to get better leverage for chopping up Rory. And, of course, the Master stepped on the peel, and went flying onto the hard, tiled floor, face-first.

He wasn't knocked out – just a bit bruised in the face area. Unfortunately, the Doctor was wearing the only available fez, so he couldn't hide his bruise with anything cool.

The Master didn't particularly mind that the Doctor had foiled his plans, to be honest – he had only been planning on slicing up Rory because he had never tasted a kumquat before, and was genuinely curious. He did like the way the Doctor had tripped him, though, because it gave him a nice thing to tease the Doctor about (besides his general banana-ness.)

"You're naked, Doctor," he said, laughing. "Naked, naked, naked. Completely nude. In your nuddy pants. Why would you do such a thing? Are you mad? Nobody wants to see you in your nuddy pants."

And then he started singing _I Can't Decide,_ which was his theme song.

And then River (the kiwi daughter of Amy and Rory that I mentioned earlier) appeared out of nowhere in particular and bounced on his balls until he was subdued, because she was pissed at him for suggesting that her husband naked was a bad thing. She actually quite liked to see him naked.

(Don't ask me how a kiwi and a banana works – I have absolutely no idea, and I don't particularly want to dwell on it. At all. Thanks.)

Amy and Rory made out for a bit, because that was what they generally did when Rory had a near-death experience (or an actual-death experience), and River and the Doctor made out for a bit, because he was naked.

Then, the Doctor wiped all of the Master's germs off of his peel and put it back on (much to River's disappointment), and then a bunch of grapes appeared out of nowhere (they'd been following River) and started screeching, "EXTERMIGRAPE! EXTERMIGRAPE!"

The Doctor didn't really feel like dealing with grapes that day, so he took everyone in the TARDIS to the first place the TARDIS landed them at, which just so happened to be a party for the Doctor's past companions in honor of the day they'd saved the Earth from the daleks and put it back in its right place in the sky.

Captain Jack Starfruit was there, and Mickey the Melon, and Sarah Jane Strawberry, and Martha the Orange, and Wilf the Wizened Old Grapefruit, and Donna, the Most Important Tomato in the Universe. (Rose, a rose-hip, unfortunately couldn't be there because she was kinda trapped in a parallel universe. Circumstances like that make attending parties rather difficult.)

At first, the party hadn't been going very well, because everybody had thought that everybody else was responsible for bringing the party games, so nobody had actually done it. Jack was trying to clear the air by flirting with every fruit in sight (he was infamous for flirting with any creature at all, be it fruit or vegetable or even a large species of bean), but he wasn't doing so well, partially because everyone there was either taken or not interested.

When the Doctor arrived, however, things really started looking up. He entertained everyone with his best renditions of his favorite stories about himself and his companions, and he thought of ideas for party games: Pin the Fez on the Doctor was a big hit, as was Alien Pictography.

In the end, it was generally agreed that without the Doctor, the party would have been the worst party ever to be held in the history of time, including parties during which old, senile rulers spent hours reciting their terrible poetry to their ugly wives.

And that is why you should always bring a banana to a party, especially if that banana happens to be the Doctor.

_THE END._


End file.
